


How to save a life

by Itsamess



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Aftermath, But also Missing Moments, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone on this show deserved better, F/M, Fix-It of Sorts, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Post-Series, There's a 14th tape maybe, This show messed me up ok, Where I live is 4 AM now, breakdowns, or at least they try, people help the people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2017-04-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 09:54:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10694607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itsamess/pseuds/Itsamess
Summary: People hurt.For different reasons, in different ways. Someone hugs pain like it was an old friend, someone keeps ignoring it, answering “Fine” to everyone asking “How are you”, because “How are you” is most of the times a way to start a conversation and not an actual question.There are warning signs – things like haircuts and missed calls and long silences – but you have to notice them. You have to care about someone to pay attention to these details. If you do, if you care enough, maybe you will notice if a friend of yours is hurting. You may want to help him, to save him – as if you knew how.There isn't any handbook telling you what to do, in this case.You can just try and guess, and hope for the better.





	How to save a life

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by The Fray's song, How To Save A Life. If you don't remember it, in the music video there were some "ways to save a life" (like "Cry","Remember","Love"'...). I looked for the whole list of things and picked the ones I releated to the most.
> 
> English is not my first language. I double-checked it but please let me know if I missed any mistake :)

_ Where did I go wrong?  
I lost a friend  
Somewhere along in the bitterness  
And I would have stayed up with you all night  
Had I known how to save a life _

   
People hurt.  
   
For different reasons, in different ways. Someone hugs pain like it was an old friend, someone keeps ignoring it, answering “Fine” to everyone asking “How are you”, because “How are you” is most of the times a way to start a conversation and not an actual question.  
   
There are warning signs – things like haircuts and missed calls and long silences – but you have to notice them. You have to _care_ about someone to pay attention to these details. If you do, if you care enough, maybe you will notice if a friend of yours is hurting. You may want to help him, to save him – as if you knew how.  
   
There isn't any handbook telling you what to do, in this case. You can just try and guess, and hope for the better.  
   
 **1)  Love**  
   
Hannah's locker has temporarily been transformed into a shrine.  
   
At intermissions, dozens  of students come bringing flowers, peluches, letters and notes.  
They lower their voices when they walk by it, as if they were in church, but they had no qualms talking behind Hannah's back, when she was alive, because everyone is just so nice until they drive you to kill yourself and it seems they can be nice even after.  
   
Clay feels sick and tries to keep his breakfast down. He hates this, hates the anti-suicide posters stuck to the walls, hates the way they turned Hannah into an heroine they will forget in two weeks or less. A part of him would like to look away from her locker, but he can't help but notice a new note, an heart-shaped red cardboard. The chubby writing of a teenage has written:  
 

_If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever_  
 

The person who wrote this probably didn’t even know Hannah.  
   
But Clay did.  
Clay loved her.  
   
Maybe if he had been brave enough to tell her all of this would have never happened.  
   
   
 **63) Be true**  
   
In dreams he doesn't say much but _I love you_ , _stay_ and _please_.  
No stupid _Strictly ballroom_ references, no embarassed chuckles, no silence.  
Just a long series of _stay stay stay stay_  
   
 **43) Laugh**  
   
[Five months before]  
Working at Crestmont has so many drawbacks that it's no wonder Clay has been hired so easily: say goodbye to Friday and Saturday nights and be ready to find old chewing gum stuck everywhere and to wash your hair twice a day just to realize they still smell like burned popcorn. Moreover, Clay has found out the people love leaving the cinema commenting the end of the movie, so to save himself from spoilers he starts to hum everytime he sees the audience leaving. Hannah finds it funny, but she finds funny almost everything about him.  
   
She is the only reasons why Clay keeps working there.  
When a movie is not sold out  - and movies at Crestmont never are because most of the times are like super boring and matinees are only for old people anyway – Clay and Hannah sneak in.  
They sit in the last rows and watch parts of random movies, going checking on the bar now and then to see if someone wants to buy popcorns or something. Tecnically they are taking turns, but actually it's always Clay's turn, partly because of his innate gallantry, partly because he is not confortable breaking the rules so openly.  
   
When he comes back inside, he sits next to Hannah.  
In the darkeness, her eyes glimmer like water when she leans towards him and whisper to his ear what he has been missing.  
   
Sometimes she tells him also how the movie is gonna end, because she heard some clients talking about it last week and she already knows that the main characters won’t end togethet because Emma Stone leaves for Paris but her spoiler doesn’t bother Clay.  
   
Crestmont's owner never finds out about their illegal breaks.  
In their June paychecks there’s a free ticket for _Guardian of the Galaxy_ and it's strange, for once, watching the movie like regular costumers, with popcorns and front rows and everything. It almost looks like a date, except for the fact that they are just friends.  
   
«Wow, just wow» sighs Clay, clearly enthusiast «Wasnt it awesome?»  
   
«Yeah, I mean it was nice» Hannah admits, even just to please him «It was not _Strictly Ballroom_ good but still good… but I still haven’t understood why they team up with the tree and the beaver»  
   
«Raccoon»  
   
«It the same» she says with a skeptical shrug «And the tapes! I know that it’s science fiction but come on, nobody uses them anymore!»  
   
Clay thinks about it.  
«Tony does»  
   
Hannah raises an eyebrow.  
« _Tony_ drives a Mustang. And uses gel on his hair. He doesn’t count» she says before bursting into a laugh.  
   
Hannah has a beautiful laugh.  
Alex should have written this in his list.  
   
Clay mentally curses against himself. He doesn’t want to think about the list. He doesn’t want to think about anything except for Hannah Bakers's laugh in a still dark cinema, while the epic soundtrack of _Guardian of the Galaxy_ is playing in the background and a thousand strangers’ names keeps scrolling up on the screen.  
   
Now Hannah’s face serious again. Almost worried.   
She looks around, looking lost.  
«The movie is over. Why aren’t people leaving?»  
   
« They are waiting » Clay says.  
   
«Waiting for what?»  
   
«You really don’t know?»  
   
Hannah shakes her head, amused and irritated at the same time.  
   
Clay sighs.  
If Hannah hasn't noticed his huge nerd side until that moment, his answer will probably be a point of no return, but he says it anyway: «They are waiting for the post credits scene. Every Marvel movie has one, sometimes two, right after the credits… it's like the movie version of the ghost track, you know that extra song that sometimes can be found at the and of an album»  
   
«You are such a nerd, Helmet»  
   
There is no mockery in her voice, just a shadow of her last laugh. Clay realizes that it's possible to laugh without being cruel; it's possible to tease without hurting.

 

 **9) Amaze yourself**  
   
[Six months before]  
When Clay asks her to watch with him the lunar penumbral eclipse he isn't sure Hannah is gonna say yes, because after all he is just asking her to break a bunch of safety rules to witness to a minor astronomical phenomenon sitting on a rusty rooftop, but she says yes.  
It's a quiet, cloudless night  
The moon looks the same as always, because the shadow on it is so small that it's hard to notice if you don't know what to look for.  
   
«What I an supposed to see?» Hannah asks. She is sitting next to Clay, on the ledge. The wind is blowing her hair on her face and her eyes, but she looks amused and not annoyed.  
   
«A shadow… a shadow on the Moon» Clay stutters «growing slowly. You have to look carefully»  
   
«I see it» she exclaims after a while, looking radiant as if she had discovered a new planet and not just focused on a little grey shadow. She is so beautiful when she smiles and runs her fingers through her hair, adding: «It's kind of scary»  
   
«Is it?» Clay ask clueless, and then he realize it doesn't matter. Hannah is closer to him and he can feel the warmth of her body next to his. He fears he may do or say the wrong thing, but she just lays her head on his shoulder and sighs: «What a great time to be alive»

 **22) Cry**  
   
He starts doing it by chance, because of the sense of relief that he feels crying in the shower. Partly because he hopes water can wash away his pain, partly because he is sure that it can cover the noise of his sobs.  
   
He is wrong twice: next morning, his mother puts a bottle of pills right next his orange juice.  
Clay throws them in the bathroom sink.  
The water carries them away.  
   
   
   
**9) Watch what you say**  
   
[Five months before]  
It’s the first weekend since _Fast and Furious_ – six, seven, who is even counting anymore – has come out and the whole high school is waiting in line to get a ticket.  
   
Hannah is the one in charge of the box office, but when it closes – at half past ten – she can help Clay with the bar.  
They used to take it as a chance to talk, but with all that coming and going it's hard to carry on a conversation that is not about the popcorn machine temperature or the break lenght.  
   
«And here they comes» sighs Clay, as a buch of teenagers get closer to the counter. He assumes they are athetles, since they decided to show up at the movie theatre wearing the football team jacket. Clays tries to ignore that sick feeling and turns towards Hannah, whispering «Are you ready for the spoilers?»  
   
«It's _Fast and Furious_!» Hannah exclaims, amused «Which is the plot anyway?»  
She rubs her hand on the apron, puts on a smile and with a professional voice politely asks: «How can I help you »  
   
After all, they manage everything pretty good, as a proof that Clay Jensen and Hannan Baker can also actually _work_ at Crestmont.  
They serve something like twenty-six Cokes and thirty-one popcorns, but this is the last showing before the end of the shift.  
As always, they will come back home together, Clay walking his bike and Hannah holding his helmet. Maybe he will finally find the courage to ask her out. As a friend, of course.  
   
But there is one more costumer to serve.  
A tall guy, with big shoulders and Asiatic traits.  
Surprise surprise, he wears a football jacket.  
Light blue isn’t his color, but this is just a personal opinion.  
   
«A medium Coke and some Cheetos» the guy asks, talking directly to Hannah as if she was the only person working there.  
   
«Cheese flavoured or spicy?»  
   
   
«Cheese flavoured»  
   
«Great choice» she comments, giving him the Cheetos with a unexpectedly long and sincere smile. It's the kind of smile she usually gives only to her friends – only to her _one_ friend – and surely not to Crestmont random costumers «They are my favorite too, even though they are not made with actual cheese obviously… Ok, it's five dollars and eighty cents»  
   
The guy pays and briefly touches her hand giving her the money. Hannah doesnt seem to bother.  
   
The guy disappears from view behind the corner.  
Another _Fast and Furious_ guy.  
«Do you know him?» Clay asks, perfectly chill or so he thinks.  
   
«Yeah, his name is Zach, if I recall» she says with nonchalance before turning to look at Clay «Now _why_ are you making that face?»  
   
«Nothing»  
   
«What? Now I cant know a guy by sight?»  
   
   
She has a more bitter voice than Clay expected, but she was the one flirting over a cheese flavoured snack, wasn’t she? She doesn’t need to lie to him. Clay shrugs and turns to look at her. «No, it's just… he is in the football team»  
   
«And so what?!»  
   
«I thought you had enough with guys like Justin Foley» Clays suddently blurts out. He hasn’t forget what happened between Hannah and Justin – what _people say_ happened between Hannah and Justin. All that jokes and pictures and mean words… how can Hannah get over them so easily?  
   
«I was just chatting with him. It doesn’t mean that I am sexually interested in him» she points out sharply. Her lips are a thick line and her eyes brigh with rage tears.  
   
«Ok»  
   
«Then stop making that face. You are not my boyfriend, you have no right to be jealous»  
   
These words hit him like a punch in the guts.  
«It's not about being jealous, I-» Clay starts to say, before realizing it's not worth it. He raises both hands in surrender and comes up with words that Hannah doesn’t deserve: «You know what? Forget it. Go ahead and date Zach, Justin, the whole football team if you want. I don’t care»  
   
This is a lie – because he _does care_ or he wouldn’t be so pissed off at her talking to another guy – but Hannah doesnt know that.  
He rides home alone, under the last rainstorm of the season.  
   
Two days later, at school, Hannah acts like nothing ever happened between them. Sits with him at lunch and talks about normal stuff like homework and parents, without mentioning their fight.  
   
Looking back, Clay doesn’t know if Hannah had forgiven him or she had just got used to be considered the school slut, so that a casual comment made by Clay is not a real surprise.  
   
   
**50) Don’t lie to yourself**  
   
He didn't kill Hannah Baker.  
He has nothing to do with these tapes. Is it possible that they have been given him by mistake, or for a twisted form of sadism?  
   
Clay knows that some people had listened to all the tapes at once, but he really can’t listen to more than one tape a day – he can’t do it quicker, everything is already painful enough, thank you.   
He listens all that Hannah has been through and he feels a blind, irrational rage growing inside of him, the kind of rage that tells him to punch his own pillow or key someone else’s car - as if it could change a thing.  
   
It's strange.  
The sense of guilt is so heavy in his chest he can barely breathe, but looking back he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong.  
And then he gets it.  
   
It's not something he did – but something he did not.  
Clay listen to the tapes and finds himself saying things like «Turn around. Come back, you idiot» or «Tell her. Tell her now» but the past stays the same, recorded on tapes, sealed with blue nail polish.  
   
**3) Breathe**  
   
The sense of guilt is still heavy on his chest the most of the time, but not today.  
   
When Tony has suggested to take a _walk_ together, Clay has imagined it horizontal and safe, so when they get to the rock face he doesn’t really know what to do with it.  
   
«We climb it» Tony says, with the nonchalance of someone who is offering you a milkshake asking you if you want to try it, except for the fact that Clay has never asked for this danger-flavoured milkshake and is afraid of heights.  
   
After twenty minutes or so, they are on the top of it. Clay cannot believe he actually made it, and still.  
Adrenaline pumps the blood into his veins, his heart start racing faster and it covers for a moment the pain and there is nothing but sky above him.  
   
Tony cleans his still chalk-covered hands on his jeans.  
«How do you feel? Better?»  
   
«Alive» answers Clay, breathing in the fresh blue air «I feel alive»  
   
   
**45) Touch**  
   
The bruise on his forehead has almost healed, but Clay keeps wearing the helmet. Partly because he would like to save himself for another scar, partly because wearing it reminds him of Hannah and the nickname she gave him the exact day they met.  
   
Clay has always hated his mother for making him wearing an helmet, because he is freaking seventeen, he is in high school and people are already making fun of him without her help, but Hannah used to call him _Helmet_ with a sweet and teasing voice, never unkind, never mean.  
That's why Clay keeps wearing it.  
   
It's the kind of things that stay always there, keeping you company.  
   
   
**25) Don’t hurt anybody**  
   
   
Thirteen reasons why, thirteen tapes, thirteen people.  
   
They all hurt Hannah for the sole purpose of doing it – and it has been like carving a name on a tree bark just to leave a trace of one’s passage.

**41) Dance**

Clay Jensen is a man of honor and knows that one must accept the consequences of a lost bet. That's why he is standing in the middle of the school gym – transformed for the occasion into a winterland dancefloor – wearing a rented suit and feeling ridiculous.  
Actually, the winter formal was months and months ago, but it looks like Clay's brain enjoys making him relive the most embarassing moments of his life while he is asleep and can't object.  
The only thing that is making it a dream and not a nightmare is Hannah leaning in his open arms, still alive, stunning and smiling.

«You are not that bad, you know?»

«I have taken lessons» Clay jokes, guiding her into a twirl that lifts up the skirt of her purple dress.

Til now, the dream looks like his memory, but then it changes into something a thousand times better, because no one interrupts them and they keep dancing to the beat of a sweet sad song, always the same song, over and over again, in an endless loop of back and forth. This coreography fits their relationship, after all. Hannah entwines her fingers behind Clay's neck and looks up to stare into his eyes, but he can't return her gaze for long because ok that it's a dream but he is always Clay Jensen.  
He has never been so close to Hannah and he can barely breathe.

«Do you wanna stay til the end?» Hannah whispers

Clay nods because if there is something that he knows in his life is that he wish that this dream could last forever.  
But it takes two to stay – otherwise it's not _staying_ but _being left alone_.

«And what about you? Do you wanna stay?» he asks and it's not a question but a prayer «Can you do that? Can you stay?»

Hannah laughs and throws her head back:«I mean staying  _after_  the end»

«After the end?» Clays repeats, without understanding.

«Yeah, for the afterparty… at Sheri's?»  
   
Clay can't find out if they really go to that afterparty because he wakes up soaked with his own sweat and tears in an half empty bed.

The ghost of Hannah fades from his eyes like an backwards Polaroid, her laugh still on his ears and those words - _stay after the end_ – that sound strange said by the one who got away.  
 

**18) Talk with somebody**

Talking about her is not easy.  
Clay hates using the past tense and doesn't like the idea of telling somebody else about the happy memories that belong only to him and Hannah. It looks like he is ruining them, as if they were spring flowers handed around til they are all wrinkled.

But he _has_ to talk about her. If he doesn't, it will be like Hannah never existed except for the cassette tapes and that's not how he want to remember her.

Tony is the only one Clay can open up to.  
Maybe because he is the only one who seems to understand how he feels, maybe because screaming against a pillow isnt really a way to let it out.

«Last night I dreamt of her again» he starts saying, keeping his eyes on the view that is flashing like an indistinct blur beyond the window. He has found out that it is easier to talk during roadtrips. You don't have to look at the other. And if Tony tries to, Clay feels entitled to punch him on the forearm telling him to watch the road for fuck's sake. But this time Tony doesn't look at him and talking to him is easy as pouring water out of a full jug. «We were at the winter formal, the one you deejayed last year… and there was that song, the only slow song of the night»

« _The Night We Met_ »  Tony sighs «I remember»

«We danced only to that song, over and over and over»  
Clay isn't even looking at the road anymore. His eyes are closed, Tony notices, and maybe he is trying to grasp that image once more. It must have been hard to wake up from such a dream.

 «it's a great song» he simply says, waiting for Clay to say something, if he needs to.

 After a couple of minutes, Clay comes back to reality and mumbles: «Tony»  
   
«Yeah?»  
   
«What if…» Clay hesitates, tormenting his thumb hangnail «Hypotetically… do you think it's possible that there is, I don't know, a fourteenth tape?»

 Tony's expression gets softer.  
«You mean like on side B of the last cassette?»  
   
Clay nods.

His eyes are watery and hopeful and Tony hates what he is about to say but he says it anyway: «No… I tried listening to it, but it was just silence. I am sorry,  _nino_ »  
   
«Oh… ok» Clay says after a long, long while and that's something he does a lot, saying  _ok_ when things are everything but _ok_. He looks away again, his brow furrowed. He looks sad, but Clay always does. Tony sees him wiping his eyes with a sleeve and then saying with a tired shrug: «It's just that… I thought she might have left something»

 _But she did. She left the tapes._  
   
«I thought she might have left something else» Clay corrects himself.

 Tony doesn't have the strength to reply.  
   
   
   
**81) Have faith**  
   
_Do you wanna stay til the end?_

Clay takes the shoebox from under his bed and pulls out the last cassette, the seventh. On side A, Hannah wrote in blue nail polish a number

13

   
   
He stares blankly at the cassette in his hand, wondering if he had completely gone nuts since he is putting his faith in the words that a dead girl told him in a dream, but it's worth a try. _Hannah_ is worth a try.

He takes a deep breath and then puts the side B of the cassette in his walkman. He whispers _please please please Hannah_ and keeps saying that til he finally finds the courage to press PLAY.

And he just waits.  
The cassette is a C60, so it's long more or less 30 minutes.  
The first 28 are of utter silence – not even the heartbeat of Tyler's tape, when Hannah had put the microphone on her heart.  
And then a name.

« _Clay_ -»  
   
   
**7) Forgive**  
   
« _Clay, is that you?_ »

 Clay has to press PAUSE because his own heartbeat is so loud he couldn't hear anything else anyway.  
Hannah's voice is hesitant but hopeful, like the voice of a child asking if it really snowed while he was sleeping.

 « _Of course it's you. No one else would listen to these tapes after their official end, but you would. I know you are different_ »

Hannah sighs and for an irrational moment Clay hopes she has a second thought, but then he remembers that this is just a tape and that, if he is listening, it's already too late.

« _If a guy like Justin Foley got himself two tapes, the least I can do is to record another one for you… so feel free to consider it our ghost track. “Ghost” is the most appropriate word, given the circumstances_ »

 Clay clenches his fists to phisycally stop himself from throwing the walkman against the wall. His nails dig deeply into his palms. Pain is sharp and kind and gives his mind enough clarity to go on listening.  
   
« _I dont think I have ever told you, but I have always admired that trait of you, Helmet. I wouldn't call it “patience”, it's more like “faith that something good happens to those who wait”. Is there a word for it, Clay? Is there a word for the wait of something wonderful but not so certain? Is there a word for when you look at the sky hoping to see a shooting star, or listen to an album waiting for that last, hidden, song? I don't know if such word exist, but it should_ »  
   
«And you should be alive» Clay founds himself saying, as if she could heard him.

He doesn't know what he expected to hear on this very last tape, but not this for sure.  
He can't stand hearing Hannah talking about waiting, because if only he hadn't waited to tell her what he felt, things might have turned out differently.  

Clay is almost glad Hannah has wasted those first 28 minutes on the tape, because this is hurting so much more than he thought.

« _You are better than me at waiting and so I tried to learn from you and do the same. I waited for things to get better. I tried giving life another chance but I didn't get lucky. No shooting star for me, no ghost track... Anyway, no more talking about me. I have had thirteen tapes to do that. This one is for you, Helmet. To tell you that I am sorry_ »  
   
«What?!»  
Clay stops the tape.  
No, this can't be happening.  
Hannah can't have just said that.  
He has probably misheard her. Or maybe he has finally lost his mind and all of this is just a delusional dream.  
   
« _I am so sorry_ » Hannah says again

 Her voice trembles, but not as much as Clay's does.  
«What the fuck are you saying… what the fuck are you saying, Hannah»

She isn't _supposed_ to feel sorry.  
She is the victim, he is the perpetrator.  
Things are so messed up.  
This is so wrong.  
   
« _I am sorry that I dragged you into this story. I told you I would have ruined you…. The truth is that you shouldn't be on these tapes. You are not one of the reasons why I chose to die. You were, maybe, the only one to stay_ »  
   
«And then stay» Clay sobs, pressing the headphones to his ears with all his strenght, as if he could keep Hannah closer and never let her go.  
   
« _Sorry for the pain I caused you. In time, I hope you will, if not understand me, at least forgive me. I have already forgiv_ -»

She hasn't the chance to finish the sentence.  
Time's up. The tape ends.  
   
   
**13) Make everyone secure  
 **  
Clay doesn't tell anybody about the ghost track, not even Tony.  
It's something he wants to keep for himself.  
   
He has listened to the tape so many times he has learnt it by heart, like a poem or a prayer. When he is sure he remembers every word of it, he uses the tape to record Bryce's confession.  
   
For some reason he has the feeling that this is the right thing to do – covering Hannah’s voice saying she has forgiven him with Bryce's voice admitting he has raped her. It feels like giving things an order again.  
Clay is not innocent, none of them is.  
Hannah's forgiveness is a foreign currency he doesn't know how to spend.  
   
   
**11) Remember**  
   
He still sees her, out of the corner of his eye.  
It happens to him to see her face in the crowd or hear her calling «Hey, Helmet!» with a sound of voice that is already a laugh.  
He doesn't turn – it would be stupid, people already find him weird  enough– but he whispers to himself: «Hey, Hannah»  
   
   
**70) Make the difference**  
   
Clay hasn't been here for ages but Monet's looks the same he remembers. That faint chattering noise, the peaceful atmosphere, the _Waterlilies_ painted on the curtains.  
Luckily, the barista is the same too.

«A black coffee please. Espresso» Clay asks politely.  
   
Skye gives him a grim and suspicious look.  
 «Name? » she asks just to annoy him, since she perfectly knows who he is. She is probably wondering how could she butcher the name _Clay_ in a creative and original way.  
   
«Skye» Clay answers with a smile «Spelled S-K-Y-E»  
   
«What a shitty name» Skye comments, without changing expression.  
   
«It's not my name, I am waiting for a friend» he replies. He empties his pockets in the tips jar and then he leans towards Skye with the air of someone revealing a secret and says: «That coffee is a peace offering so please make it right. And no sugar, thank you»  
 

 **26) Keep moving**  
 

And then you heal, or at least you try.  
Jessica comes back to cheerleading practice; Clay starts tutoring Jeff's little cousin, who has his same eyes and his same problems writing an essay; Justin moves at Zach's.  
   
Together they go seeing Alex, as soon as he out of the I.C.U.  
The nurse is kind and smiles widely when she sees the take-away banana split that Jessica is bringing from Monet's, but Alex is not allowed to eat it, of course.

It's a miracle he is still alive.  
The doctors keep calling it _accident_ but his friends knows that nobody shoots himself in the head by mistake.  
They wonder how could they miss the warning signs – that fight in the parking lot, that willing fall in the pool – and it hurts because they had promised themselves to be more careful after all that happened.  
   
Justin's face is tear-stained, but he wipes it with his sleeve before going inside.  
Alex is pale and his head is covered by white thick bandages.  
The room is full of flowers.  
   
Alex and Clay have never been really friends, but Clay is the first one running to him. He hugs Alex with love and desperation, as if it was Hannah – and, in some ways, it is.  
   
   
**23) Accept**  
   
Tony Padilla and long Mustang roadtrips, a love story since 1999.  
The destination is still unknown – something like South Lake City – and since Skye and Brad are still arguing about it it's better not to ask. Clay doesn't care anyway. They are leaving town and that's all that matters. The streets in the city limits are almost empty. It's Sunday morning. Everything is alright.  
   
«What about listening to a tape?» Tony asks. He is a deejay, so he is always trying to show off his flawless taste in music.

Clay would like to say yes, because Tony is actually good in picking the right song for the right moment and in his car he probably has a dozen indie rock mixes that Clay would love to hear, but cassette tapes make him think of Hannah and this could be a problem. Maybe the _click_ of the cassette player won't have any effect on him, maybe he will burst into tears before the music has even started to play. Clay is trying, really. But it's hard and he just wants to spend a Sunday morning with his friends.  
«Why don't we listen to the radio?» he suggests, acting normal.  
   
There's a flash of understanding in Tony's eyes, and then he says: «Good idea» and pushes the gas  
   
The road ahead of them is free and sunburned and it's like being in a Kerouac book. Skye plays with her leather bracelets and Brad tries to make conversation talking about his uncle emigrated to Australia, but Clay isn't really listening.  
He is thinking that he is happy and he is wondering if he has the right to. He probably doesn't. But the sun is warm on his skin and the wind is blowing his hair and everything is alright. Clay thinks of Hannah, on the rooftop of the Crestmont, saying  «What a great time to be alive » and thinks that by now her hair would have been long again.

Tony keeps his window down. He turns up the volume and starts moving his head to follow the rhytm.  
   
The radio has been a good idea.  
Now and then Tony has muttered things like _that guitar solo is awesome_ or _Good old rock is hard to find nowadays_ . At some point, Clay hears him saying that the Oasis are the living proof that a band formed by real musicians can live on after the break up  and Clay wonders if it's the same for him, if he can survive and manage to do it on his own.  
Hannah's memory is bittersweet but also steady and faithful. She visits him in dreams and daydreams, in his free periods and in his bus trips, when his head is pressed on the window but he isn't sleeping. Her ghost lives under his eyelids and sometimes it's like she has never left.  
   
There's a classic hit by The Fray on the radio now and Clay finds himself wondering if Hannah liked this song as much as he does.  
Tony seems to like it too.  
   
«Oh, that's a real classic… Clay, would you mind handing me a cassette?» he asks, gesturing at the glove compartment «The green one, thank you»  
   
Clay doesn't understand. He gives Tony the cassette, an old mix of his.  
   
Tony puts it into the cassette player.  
_Click_  
«You know, the thing with cassette tapes» he explains, raising an eyebrow as if it was the most obvious thing ever «is that they are re-writable»  
 

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to thank every soul who has read this. When I started 13 Reasons Why I was just expecting to spend a night watching tv, but I was so wrong... This series really meant the world to me. It made me ask how can I help others, how can I become a better person, a better friend, a better sister.  
> If you wanna talk, I am here. I know I am just a stranger but everyone is before we meet them. So really if you need anything, let it out.
> 
> A giant hug to all of you, beautiful humans


End file.
